They say, But

They say that I've developed feelings for you
love, affection, and so on
I deny
The more I deny the more they insist on their thoughts

Though, Could it be true?
Am I capable of loving at all?
You are like the sunshine in the darkness of my storyline
Adding something very special and new

The thing is that I am afraid to fall 
Looks like my insecurities are in control
Whenever I think good of you 
My demons rapidly appear in the picture
Demonising anything perfect about you
Reminding me of what you could be
Of how ugly and cruel you might turn out to be

Perhaps my biggest fear 
Even more than falling is being loved
I guess I can't trust other's love anymore

Pity on me!
I'm a mess
A completely complicated paradox
I love being with you
I would say it to your face and out loud
I want to get close to you and make you even closer to me
I long to trust you and make you feel trusted

But 
I will hide my feelings a lot
keep a distance for so long
won't tell you so many things I wish to share and keep them hidden from you
I long to trust you but I can't
The intricacies of my life are dark, dearest 

pardon me
No one deserves to deal with such twists
I haven't met a soul trustworthy enough for me to do so anyway 

It's not about you
It's me
Not in a fear of commitment sense 
But in I love you more than I love life sense 

I am choked in dread and despair would you stay Despite all this?
Would you fight along with me?

- F.

Written: April 2020

Updated: April 2024